Well, if you feel as if you've been burned by rescuing or helping, or you've stayed in situations long past their sell-by-date, it's time to discover the difference.
May 16 66 mins. Have someone's lies baffled you because you thought that it was so ridiculous or unnecessary or that it was undeserved given how much effort you've put in? Has discovering a white lie caused you to question your future with someone because of how honest you believe you to be? Do you find it really triggering to be lied to, or to try to be honest with others? In this week's episode, Natalie delves into the topic of lies.
May 09 52 mins. Do you know where you learned your break-up habits? It's safe to say that it wasn't on the curriculum at school. Old memories and associations, especially ones we may have long forgotten, along with underlying concerns about avoiding things we fear or dislike, contribute to how we respond to being broken up with or us ending a relationship.
May 02 44 mins. For many of us, the idea of willfully crossing somebody's boundaries sends a shiver through us. In fact, we'll often cross our own boundaries to accommodate those of others! But some people just don't give a fiddle about other people's boundaries, something we'll often blame ourselves for. Natalie explains the reasons behind their boundary aversion. Apr 25 44 mins. A key factor in people feeling stuck in a painful situation or stuck obsessing about what went down is an extended period prior to the events of being starved of, for example, attention, affection, connection or intimacy.
In this episode, Natalie explains The Lean Period and how being activated and then eventually hurt and disappointed leads to the loop of entitlement that creates stuckness. Apr 18 47 mins. Many of us find it difficult to let go of past situations whether it's about our actions or those of others. It's not that we don't want to per se, but our confusing relationship with forgiveness, including believing that it presses the reset button, actually gets in the way of us moving forward.
Natalie talks about what letting go truly means. There Were Blind Spots. Apr 11 20 mins. Apr 04 39 mins. Ever felt as if you did wrong by asserting a boundary because the other party didn't respond positively or you didn't get what you wanted? Well, having healthy boundaries isn't the problem, and in this episode, Natalie explains what's really going on in this situation. Mar 28 42 mins.
It's been two years since Natalie's father passed away. In this week's episode, she talks about how grief, something that we go through when we experience any form of loss, not just bereavement, grows you Mar 21 58 mins.
In this episode, Natalie talks about why fear of sacrifice, loss and being trapped are so prevalent in our experiences. Mar 14 36 mins. Mar 07 65 mins. A challenge that often presents itself while dating is the struggle to stay hopeful and grounded while pursuing our need or desire for a relationship. Natalie talks about the key sources of anxiety and why, ultimately, 'efforting' isn't going to control or change the time frame or what prospective partners do so we might as well get on with the business of being us and living.
Feb 28 42 mins. Does someone really need to do the equivalent of giving us a one-star review by going out of their way to make us aware of their dislike of us? Why did they put themselves on Tinder right after they made plans to move or be away for some time? These are just some of the things that make Natalie and others go hmmm.
Feb 21 54 mins. Are you feeling typecast by your experiences and pattern? Feb 14 34 mins. When you go on dates or are in a relationship, who is it that shows up? Is it you, the whole you and nothing but you? Natalie talks about the perils of letting your 'dating and relationship self' overshadow the real you.
Feb 07 41 mins. Shame you? Shrink into yourself and isolate? Turn your failure into a secret that you need to cart around in your emotional baggage? Natalie shares why she won't be doing any of these things and uses a recent experience and its parallels with dating and relationships to reframe disappointment, rejection and loss. Jan 31 51 mins. Natalie explores our reluctance to so much as tidy our emotional baggage and shares a quick exercise that highlights where we can make space for more of the things we want to be, do and have.
Is it a plane? Nope, it's emotional unavailability! Jan 24 51 mins. Is it something you said? Is it something you did? They're unavailable. In this week's episode, Natalie delves into the ten key signs that someone is emotionally unavailable including blowing hot and cold, excuses about timing, actions and words not matching, and it being on their terms. Jan 17 36 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie explains the 5 stages of relationships and how you can use these to recognise whether you are experiencing the intimacy you need in order to take the relationship in the direction you want to go.
Jan 11 40 mins. Jan 04 38 mins. I just try so hard. I just keep trying. No matter what I do… No matter what I try… Sound familiar? In the first episode of , Natalie shares a recent experience that flagged up to her that we just don't have to try THAT hard. You know, the kind of hard where we're only 'trying' because we feel as if we're "not good enough" or are aware of the other person's bottomless pit ways.
Dec 13 54 mins. In another episode from the friendship series, Natalie tackles the painful subject of when a friend distances or cuts off. And By The Way Dec 06 43 mins. In this episode, Natalie explains why reaching out has the potential to cause more harm than good if you're unaware of your intentions.
Nov 29 43 mins. People often get in touch with Natalie feeling as if they've been rejected for being the real them, but a bit of digging often reveals that they were pretending to be something they're not. This week, Natalie tackles faking it, blending in and trying to be perfect.
Nov 22 40 mins. Natalie revisits the topic of needs, delving into why we all give and feel love differently and so we can't assume that people will know what we need or that they'll be "just like us". She also shares what she learned from finally getting around to reading The 5 Love Languages, as well as why it's essential to be mindful of a need that drives us far more than any others. Nov 15 79 mins. How confident do you feel about raising an issue with a friend?
Natalie delves into the topic of conflict in friendships. Nov 08 53 mins. Find out why we feel like this and how to avoid getting sucked in. Nov 01 53 mins. Oct 25 56 mins. Ever found yourself feeling trapped in a conversation or drama that you don't want to be a part of? Turns out, you don't have to hold yourself hostage to it.
Yes, even with family! Natalie shares how to recent experiences with family helped her to be aware of her anger as well as the need to create a clear boundary that opted her out of an issue. Oct 18 60 mins. In this episode, Natalie delves into the tricky topic of emotional blackmail. What is it, which of our feelings alert us to its presence, how it manifests, and how to recognise it so that we can begin nipping it in the bud. Oct 11 33 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about getting on board with the need for self-care so that we can protect and nurture our emotional and psychological well-being.
Oct 04 56 mins. Natalie delves into the topic of jealousy and envy in friendships, including recognising the difference, some of the reasons why they show up, why they're not 'bad' emotions, and what we can do to move forward from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Sep 27 39 mins. In this episode, Natalie explains how if we desire a mutually fulfilling relationship where our emotional needs can and will be met, we need to be, recognise and seek out four qualities.
Sep 20 55 mins. In the second in a series of episodes this autumn on friendship, Natalie explores how and why some of the expectations we have lead to pain. Sep 13 34 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie talks anxiety and intuition, and why we're bound to feel anxious in any situations where we've routinely ignored our intuition and pretended to be something we're not.
Sep 06 66 mins. They say our friends are the family we'd choose for ourselves, but so many people who struggle with friendship tolerate unsatisfying relationships the way they suffer through family they can't escape. This autumn, there will be several episodes on the topic of friendship.
Aug 30 58 mins. In this episode, Natalie explores why so many people experience pain over receiving or not receiving an apology. From feeling unworthy due to how someone has responded to their wrongdoing, to feeling guilty that someone needs to apologise to us, to backing down in an attempt to provoke the other party into doing so and more, we have a complicated relationship with apologies.
Aug 23 27 mins. Chatted with somebody online or been on a first date that seemed so promising, only to experience crickets or hear that they don't feel the same way? Natalie explains why we find these situations so perplexing and the common assumptions and misconceptions that cause dating blind spots. Aug 16 45 mins. Recently, Natalie found out that the 'dream house' they missed out on 5 years ago turned out to be a money pit. In this episode, she explains why hindsight allows us to see how wrong some things would have been for us, but how we still have to move forward and let go even when we haven't had the gift of hindsight yet.
Why Aren't You More Successful? Aug 09 43 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about confronting her fear of failure, fear of success. Aug 02 58 mins. This week, Natalie explores the tricky subject of distinguishing between help and support so that we can maintain the healthy boundaries we need to enjoy mutually fulfilling relationships and take of ourselves.
You're Not The Energizer Bunny. Jul 26 38 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie explains the concept of recognising your bandwidth so that you can take care of your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being. Jul 19 27 mins. Natalie is back with The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. What do you do when you have a grand plan?
Discover that life might have other ideas in store for you. In this episode, Natalie gives the cliff notes version of what's been going on during the almost ten-month break -- letting go, book proposal challenges that echo life, a marathon, hitting a low point and getting back up again. She also offers some insight into what she'll be exploring in upcoming episodes.
Oct 12 33 mins. In this final episode, Natalie talks about big decisions, why we get stuck, and why we can't see what lies up ahead but we've still got to take the leap anyway. She also shares why she's decided to end the show--such a tough decision! Oct 05 50 mins. In this episode, Natalie shares why she feels that she needs to speak out about speaking out.
Sep 28 41 mins. She also talks about why a lot of our painful relationships and problems are about avoiding our potential and purpose, along with delaying on reaching a resolution about outstanding decisions. Sep 21 61 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie shares what she's learned from ten months of being on a social media diet. What started off as temporarily deleting Facebook from her phone so that she could finish her book last November, became an experiment in discovering whether her life, both personal and business, would fall apart and be that much worse off without being on social media.
In short, the answer was Ambiguity's Not My Thang. Sep 07 49 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about what ambiguity is, the types of situation that can result, and how we can use our participation in an ambiguous situation to get more clear about ourselves and to become more assertive.
Aug 31 15 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about how despite exceeding our own or other people's expectations for us, it's as if we don't dare to believe it, instead grappling with Imposter Syndrome and waiting for the other shoe to drop because, in truth, we wonder who we are to dare not to be that kid, that portrayal or perception, anymore. Aug 24 38 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about how to recognise when we're not exactly being truthful with ourselves, what causes us to do things like denying, rationalising, minimising, excusing and justifying, and how to move beyond our own untruths so that we get grounded in who we really are.
Aug 17 26 mins. Aug 10 35 mins. In this episode, Natalie delves into the topic of trust and being discerning about who we let into our Circle of Trust. Aug 03 46 mins. In this episode, Natalie delves deeper into this season's topic of 'closing the gap' by explaining roles, including why we adopt them, how they play out within families, and in turn how they keep us small and hold us back in adulthood.
Roles affect all of our interpersonal relationships and block us from being more of who we really are, so becoming more aware of where we play a role is critical to our well-being as well as the health of our relationships. Jul 27 34 mins. Jul 20 38 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie talks about how we can inadvertently find ourselves turning people and things such as romantic partners, co-workers, bosses, friends, money, our job or business, into surrogate parents that keep us in a pattern of feeling inadequate due to feeling that we haven't pleased enough.
Jul 13 59 mins. In this week's episode, Natalie explains why life keeps serving up the same lessons until we're ready to heed them and move on. Jul 06 55 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about rejection, namely five scenarios where we have this sense of indignation that someone is saying no to us and what we want.
Jun 29 53 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about how a pattern of neglect causes us to settle for far less than what we need, desire and deserve. Jun 22 70 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about why we sometimes struggle to recognise that we're interested in somebody because we're primed to feel attracted in the way that we have before, even though it hasn't previously led to the results we desire.
She also explores some of the key factors that we need to remember when it comes to interest and attraction. Jun 15 63 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about the difference between someone who just wants to know that they can get your attention versus someone who wants to love you and be loved by you.
Jun 08 25 mins. In this episode, Natalie talks about what to expect from season 3 of the podcast and touches on some of the core Baggage Reclaim philosophies.
May 18 66 mins. After six weeks of taking time to grieve, Natalie gives an update on where she's at and what's been going on. Apr 06 53 mins. I think my first words were related to that. But reality I show promise in abstract art, which I rarely if ever even thought about before art school. I really feel for you noquay. I struggle with the Texas town I live in. I stay for my grandparents and economical reasons. But we are trying, and that is something.
Five hours of practice a day. But I do think natural ability is important. I think most people are like that. Some people you can plonk in front of an instrument and they can figure it out in a few hours.
I was very smart at certain subjects at school but sucked at piano. My nine year old niece is better than I ever got. Her sister got to grade 8 but her boyfriend is a lot better than she is. My only tip is to let go.
And Sight reading is just hard. If you can enjoy it for fun, music is very uplifting, and takes you out of yourself. I take a dance class and am by no means a good dancer, but I enjoy it. Am I a better ballet dancer than someone who has never taken a class? Would it do me any good to audition for the royal ballet? Er, no. You can enjoy it without being the best, or be able to make a living from it. It confers no advantage. And on a lighter note, my dog may have heard me crying because she came and curled up on the couch beside me I love her.
I also sought out advice from an accomplished musician friend who gave me lots of practical guidance where I can go next. Imagine this, however: If you really loved a person, would you blame them for not excelling at a certain activity? Would you blame that person for undertaking that activity for their personal enjoyment even if they are rather mediocre at it? I think we really need to learn to love ourselves the way we would love others.
And love means cherishing the good things about that person, not blaming that person for something they are not. I partly blame bad luck getting bullied out of my old, more high-profile job at a time when almost no other jobs were available. This proves it! Were they all taking drugs or something? But, yeah, if you are a vegan who belongs to PETA, and you got a job at a medical research facility experimenting on higher primates or such similar extreme , you need to get out.
And Some organisations are toxic, generally because there is a leadership problem. Those are best left altogether rather than trying to endure it. As far as I know, many of them are aware of the fact that they are often doing quite questionable things.
I know that some of them feel bad about it too. Anyway, few look for jobs in other fields, probably because it would mean a loss of status and maybe money as well. Many colleagues — many of whom were very good at their jobs — have gotten sacked last year. It was always a cutthroat field to work in, but in the current economic situation things have gotten even worse.
Of course, that also makes it easier for bosses to ask their employees to do unethical things. This is why I decided to change paths. I think they are in a quite comfortable position now. I would like to become a manager as well, but I cannot imagine myself supporting a culture like that.
Plus, vanity was a big factor in my former industry the media. Many people in the field put up with bad things if only this helps them to become famous. When I was young she loved bragging about my achievements in public even if, at the same time, she told me that I was mentally ill. I think those feelings got triggered again when I saw all those successful media managers last night. I think the average person wants a job where their interests and talents lie.
Why would you be happy. I think one wants an occupation that reflects their goals aspirations, interests and talents. Do what makes you personally happy regardless of income. You can make more if you WANT to go to work. If you hate your job you may call out sick a lot and create a poor work record which would affect a future recommendation. Make sense? Tinkerbell: Thank you, and yes, of course you are right. She: narcissistic and vain, I: wants to live in peace without having to hurt others or putting myself through pain for that matter.
I think her brainwashing during my childhood was quite although not totally successful. Whether we think so or not, those experiences influence us throughout our lives. She was a high achiever, very politically involved and very well known in the community.
This caused me some pain as she was not a nurturer, but gave me what I needed. It can be too much. Grace: I think the real problem was that this was an alumni meeting of the place I had gotten bullied out about a decade ago.
I think the fact that some of them have quite impressive careers was a very minor issue compared to that. You had a crap evening. It happens! I remember spending hours at university with a group of people who did little more than take drugs or talk about drugs. Glamour is a funny thing. Apparently Kate Moss spends most of her weekends looking after chickens or something. We all get sick, our families get sick, we get old.
No-one is immune from that. Learning scientific stuff, not about living things which came easy, but equations , cycles, that kinda crap, I literally would have to force myself to learn often after working an 8 hour shift, being in class, tending my brother. Everyone always said you cannot make a living at art or music so I learned science to pay the bills and I actually did well in a lab setting because I can multitask big time.
In reality, I am a creative person with strong analytical skills. When I get outta here, I want to have a woodworking shop, write, draw again, sing, dance, provided I can find a decent dance partner. However, I never want to read a scientific paper again. Though the economy says one thing, follow your dreams. At least I get to look at mountains. I wish my neighbors family had bothered to take care of her. Today I met with my instructor and was honest with him.
He pinpointed the problem within 5 minutes. He was calm, compassionate and patient much more so than I. He worked with me in learning to hear notes I have trouble hearing notes. He reformulated the lesson plan on the spot for me and quickly came up with effective solutions in such a pleasant way. Then he showed me something really simple but oh so beautiful that is reasonable for me to eventually play soon.
I go to a really good college and sometimes I get a bit freaked out about failing and losing the opportunities, yet so far the professors have been incredibly kind and patient when I struggle.
Thanks again for your words, they were lovely, wise and really helped me put things in perspective. I attended a music college. I was a voice student with a minor in piano. I thought you were an art student. Which is it?
If your major is art, is it that important to do very well on the piano. I studied voice and did not even make a living at it because the program was very rigorous and draining. So I left that college and after marriage and a child, I enrolled in a college for nursing. Medicine had always been my second love and I ended up having a great career. You sound like a very conciencious person who strives to do her best.
I was the same. But, try to incorporate a bit more relaxed attitude as tension and self-induced stress blocks an open mind for learning. I admire your career goals. You my want to be a musician but perhaps art is your stronger suit. Good luck. It will pay off in the end. My piano instructor is willing to work with me; I am willing to do the work. I have been no contact with my guy for 4 weeks now. We were only together for 7 months with lots of issues, but it is so hard.
I have made so many mistakes. He told me he had never told any girl that he loves them and he told me he was not sure he would ever be able to love me.
I kept thinking if I was patient that he would let me in and love me, but after 7 months nothing changed. He kept pulling away and making it seem like he had no motivation for me. Unfortunately I did it via text because of the situation and it was the only way I could contact him.
He never said anything to me. He works in my department every thursday and for the past month will not be in the same area as me. I also know he is a loser and will do it to the next girl. When I ended it, I was so happy for the 1st 2 weeks. Now on thursdays I feel sad.
Yesterday I happened to hear his voice while he was chatting nicely with someone else. It hurt and it surprised me. I guess because he seems like he is not upset at all. I want to let go and I dont want to obssess over it anymore.
Thanks for the encouragement and sharing your experience with the arts. Luckily I go to a school where the professors are great artists making money teaching obviously but they do many things as artists in the community.
It can be done, but it is so challenging. I got a degree in something people told me was oh so useful it meant nothing to me. I quit and here I am doing it right and following my integral passions for me. The upstart is hard in the arts; you know.
Congrats on pursuing your talents and rediscovering what most likely needs to be continued in you. I kind of have the fantasy of the ex coming up to me saying she was wrong and misses me. Then I can say, you had your chance and fucked it up. Great article. A very big mistake it was. Learn to take your time before acting or reacting, for that matter. We have to weigh not only the pros, but the cons of our actions- anticpating outcome is the key- if we want to avoid pain and hurt.
Your thoughts? Add to favorites Related posts:. Repeats of painful situations invite us to learn what we didn't before. Podcast Ep. Share this Beckie on February 3, at pm.
Foxy Cleopatra on February 3, at pm. Resolved EUM on February 4, at am. Grizelda on February 5, at pm. LovefromNel on February 6, at am. Dani on February 17, at pm. Lorraine on February 4, at am. Anyway, this article is a great one.
Step by step…. Allison on February 4, at am. Lorraine, Some people thrive on drama, and this is what draws them back to their ex. Start to put the focus on you. Block, and change your running path. Lorraine on February 4, at pm. Thanks, I appreciate your advice! DunrobINE on February 4, at am. Karen on February 4, at am. Little Star on February 4, at am.
CC on February 4, at am. Debbie, You need to sit with the feelings, no matter how hard that is. Wiser on February 4, at am.
Wiser on February 5, at pm. Tinkerbell on February 11, at pm. HappyAgain on February 4, at pm. Hang in there, please post whenever you feel you need to talk. Big Hugs, Lorraine. Lorraine on February 5, at pm.
A on February 5, at am. Debbie, You will get through this. It may not feel that way, but you will. Get angry at this man — you deserve so much better than this. Things will get better. My life long addiction to smoking has paralleled my life long pattern of unavailable relationships.
Hoping that I can learn and grow from the quitting experience and apply it to my love life. Nat thank you for all your posts, your books, and your podcast episodes. You have been an indispensable companion on this journey! This is an awesome show for self work. Complex tangled issues suddenly become clear. Thank you Natalie for putting yourself out there and teaching us how to level up our lives. Apple Podcasts Preview. Customer Reviews. This app is a gamechanger , OctranspoNotSoMuchaTime , Remember this assclown also has a relationship going on with the woman across the street, and I have to watch him with her as well.
I am also having a really time understanding why these types of men can treat us like this after we have been nothing but kind and generous and loving and patient, and not have to pay any consequences. WE are the ones who pay the consequences, and they carry on like they never knew us.
Miserable Love… you will never find the answers, trust me on that. I have read so many books on this and still never found the answers.. The best book. That is not how it works, and it will take some time to see that. These men are not real, they are shells, they are insecure, self centered and have no idea what love is. The fact that you have to see him everyday sucks.. I remember when i broke up with my ex assclown last year, we had a very good mutual friend, a guy.
He asked about a month after the break up.. I will never forget that.. You will be better, you will rise above this and he will still be doing the sam sht. Jump on your lap top on the back deck next time.. Try to take small steps to avoid little setbacks.. Thanks for the advice. You are absolutely right.
My assclown is definitely narcissistic and probably bipolar with his mood swings. What you said about him being a shell and not real is the absolute truth. What I fell in love with was a facade, and does not exist. He was faking it or acting the whole time, just to reel me in. I am slowly pulling away from the habit of watching him, looking out the window, etc. I just miss him and feel happy just catching a glimpse of him. So, I might as well sit in the back with my laptop or stay in the house, like you said.
He has been out of my sight for 4 months and I love him just as much as I ever did and probably always will. I am really bitter about being the one who is paying all the consequences of our failed relationship or both of our poor decisions, etc. He persistently bothered me for 4 years like a perpetrator, relentless, pushy, etc.
I am really stuck on this. Does anyone else struggle with this, and can anyone else see when their assclown pays consequences?? These articles are always like a kick up the backside for me. I understand everything this article says and logically, I agree with it. Miserable Love…. The reality is this.. Trust me on this.. I used to say the same exact thing. He will be with this girl til she starts asking questions or until she sees thru his facade and moves on. Who wants to live like that? Sharp and to the point..
Thank you for being my friend and listening and understanding. I will get that book and read it. I am so glad to have found someone who knows exactly what I am going through. And lots of people on this site have had similar issues with assclowns. I sure hope you are right about the fact that he is paying consequences.
The hope that he is is the only thing getting me through each day right now. The last time I talked to him in January, he had already cut me off cold turkey, stopped responding to my texts, so I tried one last ditch effort to walk down to his house when he was out so that I could get the truth to my face. I still to this day have no idea what happened, what decision he had to make, etc. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said NO, so I turned around and walked away and never looked back, never have spoken to him again.
So needless to say, I felt kicked to the curb, slamblasted. I have done an excellent job, but inside I feel like dying and crawling under a rock because I worry that he is laughing inside at my stupidity and that he thinks I am an idiot. What can I do to let him know that I am better without him, happier, and that he lost the best thing he ever had?? Any advice or insight into this? Miserable Love, why do you want to know that you are back on top?
He is married, you are married. He has a perfect shield — his marriage that he can hide behind. He got money from you, right? What do you think he wants from her? A Relationship? A new wife?? This man is nothing but a user, he used you, the other woman on the street, the other woman 2 streets over and so on. I apologize if I come across too harsh, I had my own experience.
Astelle, If you had your own experience it is likely you understand what I am going through… I have no intention or desire to contact him, walk to his house, wave at him, etc. I feel so victimized and violated by how he treated me.
He was so cruel, mean, insensitive, never caring much about my feelings, then to top it all off, he said he had too much going on in his life to put up with me and my demand for respect and for him to value my feelings and opinions. How does a person come back from something like that? Especially when I have to see him every single day, as he lives two doors down? It is hard to go outside knowing that you were violated in such a vile manner.
It has been really hard for me to hold my head high. I gave him everything that I am, my soul, my heart, my love and was left with nothing from him. Yes, he is seeing other women. I am not sure what he is looking for. Sex for sure, maybe he is looking for someone better than his wife?? I understand that he is a user and that he used me, all the more reason that it is important for ME to somehow know that down deep HE KNOWS what an ass he is and that he knows I am a better person and better off without him.
That is what I wanted to know. Miserable Love, I feel like you need to try as much as possible to breathe and bring your sight line back to you. While he may be physically proximate, you are allowing him to eclipse your every thought as well. And the reality of him is he is a MESS and not in a sympathetic way!
It is so, so painful to lose love, no matter how it revealed itself. But your words describe such a toxic situation with you as its captive audience. It is time to reject that mess. Any of those things introduces the possibility of interrupting the obsession, and refocusing your energy on you and your recovery. Healing includes getting angry.
And you have every right to be angry at all aspects of the situation. And then the right to let it go and live your OWN life, not his. You deserve you own love and compassion most of all. It sounds like your situation was one thing and now it is another. In all of his situations, he is triangulating his relationships and feelings, lighting fires on every corner, staging crazy Shakespearean-style star-crossed tragedies, pitting people against one another, and overall just making a total disaster of his life, other peoples lives, and the neighborhood.
You deserve health, joy, honesty, consistency, clarity, confidence, and the love of your friends and family. Looking for revenge only returns the focus to him and good grief, he certainly has enough attention as it is!
You have no control over what he thinks about you.. I remember when i was in therapy, i was so obsessed with talking about what HE was doing, what HE was thinking, HIS behavior, when finally my thereapist told me that she did not know HIM and was not there to analyze him, but to work on me and stop the obsessing..
I did it all.. It was one thing after the other and it dug me deeper and deeper into a hole i will never go back to.. I lost myself, felt like i was not worthy, could not put my head around what went wrong, how he turned, what i did. I have never felt so insecure in my life and it started while we were still together and the it was almost over.
You will never find the answers. The best way to proof anything to him and yourself is to move on.. Chances are he is not thinking of you, he has too much other sht on his plate.. Once you heal within, your actions will will speak volumes to him about what a loser he is!!!
You have to want to move on.. These feelings must be getting old?.. You are doing good, no contact, but stop obsessing and get to therapy or a bookstore and start some self help…. I am so thankful that I found this site! I was recently devastated by an assclown and reading this and all the fantastic advice has actually begun to help me see what he really is! I am still in the friend mode, but I realize now that I need to do NC.
I just cannot bring myself to do it. I am tired of the roller coaster of ups and downs. I hurt for the loss of my future with him. I need some help putting a plan into action and going forward with it. I think the only way to do this is with NC. Everytime I decide this is it, I cave when he calls, which he does times a day. He acts as though nothing is wrong and inside I am dying. I switched phone plans to block his.. I was not strong enough to ignore the calls, although it was not to that extent, but was also not strong enough to not call him especially after some cocktails..
I am so confused. I know this is the right thing to do in my head, espically after reading all the others that have done it, but how do you tell your heart that? Why do I keep holding onto hope? I am so much better then this clown and I know this! I get myself all prepared and ready to do it. I pick a date, then he calls! Like a radar goes off. I have already begun not to see him as much. There is no sex anymore. I feel so stupid for feeling this way.
When we ended things I was crushed, he called me 30 times that day to make sure I was ok. Then he tells me he loves me and I am the most amazing women he has ever known, and we have so much fun when we are together and he can talk to me about anything for hours and hours. Then why do you not want a gf right now? This is the statement that I cannot get out of my head to convince myself to stop talking to him altogether.
I did the same thing with the phone.. I really wish I had done the NC 2 months ago. I know that I am going to miss him so much. Even the thought makes me tear up! I also know that I cannot continue to live my life in this craziness. I am so happy then so sad in a matter of minutes.
I am driving myself crazy. As I type this he calls me and wants to see me tonight? Part of me wants to see him so much, but the more I do, the more pain I feel when he leaves. I cannot understand why these clowns cannot see what they are doing to us. When I brought up the idea last week of taking a break from each other…. I feel like I need a plan to occupy my mind.
We are here for you! But, we texted all day as much as we could. All you can tell your heart is that you are taking your life back. It is painful and excruciating. I held onto HOPE for the last 4 months. To this day, I naturally hold a little hope that he will come back around, but I have realized that after the first day of NC, he was too late. I have to live with that the rest of my life.
No response. It was then I knew. Please read my other posts. I heard the same crap from my assclown: I love you, want you, need you, all the day before he stopped talking to me!!! He gives you just the crumb you need to keep you hanging on!
You deserve better! Do NC now! If you are really ready, you could even tell him that it is over, then you have to be strong enough to maintain the NC, or if he has been an ass to you, just start the NC without an explanation.
You deserve better!! We can help you. My assclown who is 54 years old cried once too. I thought it was genuine at the time. He no longer has a need for me, because I finally demanded that he respect me and value my feelings and opinions.
Guess he decided I was too much work. He has already moved on to the woman across the street. Let us know how you are doing. Your needs need to start being met. I had to check my calender to note that it was officially week eight, earlier today i thought it was three months. NC is hard but it is empowering. That does not mean the obsessing is magically gone, but I think you will notice a positive enough change, after two months, that you will want to continue NC.
Meanwhile if you do so some thinking, walking, writing, reading here…you will probably have plenty of many amazing insights.
If, however, at any point, you feel that you really made mistake, surely you must have done somethign wrong, and thus should initiate contact….. The time spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been. Aphrogirl is absolutely right! I am not the one that initiated it, and I wanted to run back to him and get him back. The NC is the only thing that has given me a few ounces of dignity back! We have to have some pride! I am still obsessing, but I am working on taking advice of the posts.
What aphrogirl quoted at the end of her post is wonderful and will help us heal. Nothing in that quote can I say is true about my EUM. He was hardly ever loving and was disrespecful and definitely thought of himself before me. It is really distressing. He pursued me. I fought him for two years telling him to stay with his wife, as it was the right thing to do. He persisted and assured me I was the one he loved, wanted, and needed.
I fell into the deceitful trap and let my senses take over. Now look where I am. Just hang in there! Thank you for all your comments. The EUM that I am dealing with is not married, never has been.
I just wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this. I have been addicted to this site since finding it a few days back. I smile, laugh and cry when I read the different blogs and comments as they all sound like I could have written them.
Is this true with anyone else, that as soon as they feel you moving on, they try harder? I have not made intial contact to him since last month. He has been the one calling and texting.
When I talked to him a few weeks back and said that I thought that maybe I needed some space from him to heal, he was ok with that, he cried and said that was not whathe wanted, but if it was what I wanted it was ok with him.
Even though I know I need to. I feel so helpless to this clown. I have never been this way before?? Bryan, Thank you! I hope you stay connected to this post and provide more advice and feedback! You are so right! I have been having a terrible time with the fact that EUM lives so close to me. This has been my biggest obstacle in getting over this man. Thankfully, I stay pretty busy with my work, my kids, etc.
And we have taken a couple vacations away, which did me a world of good except I know I worried about what HE was doing and with whom. He is a MESS in every sense of the world, everything he touches lights on fire. But apparently he can and without remorse!! But I get up and go to bed with the same questions on my mind, and hope that the next day will be the day I finally get some answers. How could it be, I was everything he wanted when he wanted and not until did I start demanding something in return did he break up with me.
He laughed when I called myself that. He wanted someone to be there for him, but who had no brain, no feelings, and was mute. He would get mad when I did so. I have never met a man who would get mad when you asked them how they were doing, but he did!!
I was so stunned and hurt, I just cried for hours. Of course, he later apologized. He has told me how he feels about his wife.
He said he loved me because I was strong, a professional, independent, liked my personality, thought I was beautiful, loved everything about me, etc. I was totally his subordinate, and that is not my personality at all. Last night, I saw him sitting outside talking to his wife. I immediately broke down. I guess to him I am like litter on the side of the road.
Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day? I have to live with the knowledge that he did this to me the rest of my life and it is the most worthless feeling in the world. Devastated, Have you tried putting the ball back into his court? If he wont, then tell him to stop contact you, then you can maintain no contact.
Only you can decide if it is time or not. If you have exhausted all efforts and he is not responding appropriately, it is time. You need to decide how many times he has cried, you conceded, and he has still let you down. For some of us it takes only once, but for others it will take many times. You have to do what you are comfortable with. If you know deep down that nothing is going to ever change, it is time. He needs to pee or get off off the pot! It hurts inside because you cannot comprehend how another person could behave this way.
But reality is that there are sick people in this world who instead of facing their issues drag others into their sorted messes. The stories are different but the pain, suffering, and heartache are the same for us on the receiving end of assclowns. These questions above which you posted — unfortunately you will not get answers for.
Their behavior is not normal, and in some ways asking all the questions is a form of control. Trying to control a situation or incident of which you are powerless to change because it relates directly to EUM. There are no magic tricks here, no pill to take, no high powered drink mix, to wash away the pain and sorrow of what has happened and how devastated you are.
Find acceptance that he is who he is, that by remaining NC with him you are taking back your own life and rebuilding yourself. Betterwithouthim- Thank you, I know you are trying to help me.
You are right, I want answers to those questions, because I am a woman of control, and he took that away from me by cutting me off with no remorse. Fortunately, my happiness is slowly returning and so is ME, the person I was before this horrible tragedy in my life. Thanks for all your insight. I am not the subordinate type, but when it came to him I was his subordinate, how much happier could he have been?
I just remind myself hourly that he is not happier without me. He has his miserable marriage and the less fortunate OW idiot across the street who is a twit, ignorant, uneducated, alcoholic, eating disordered witch, so my thoughts are if he is happier with that arrangement, more power to him.
Love is actions, not words. In my case I think I was with a man who wanted to love, but was not willing to work to overcome his significant and deep rooted issues that brought resistance to his loving anyone.
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